Lonely People

Text:  Genesis 2:18

Sermon Introduction:  Most of you are aware I am a fan of mystery fiction.  I especially enjoy those stories set in exotic or foreign settings.  When it’s done well, the book becomes something of a travelogue introducing me to a place I’m not likely to visit or spend much time in should I get to visit.  For example, there’s the great four-corners reservation country where Tony Hillerman’s Joe Leaphorn and Jim Chee work for the Navaho Tribal Police.  Recently, I was reading a mystery set in rural Yorkshire and the author described a scene I’d witnessed myself.

During our trip to London, Pat and I ate a few of our evening meals in our hotel room, purchasing items from the prepared food department at Marks and Spencer’s. The mystery author described how a few minutes after 5:00 o’clock the department would be filled with young adults trying to buy something to take back to their flats or apartments.  I recall saying to Pat that London seemed to have a lot of lonely young people.

But it’s not just in London.  Lonely people come from everywhere.  Young or old, rich or poor, educated and uneducated people often suffer from grievous loneliness.  According to some studies one person in six feels friendless, isolated.  A few years ago, studies showed that 26% of us eat alone each night.  

Consider the following observation by psychologist Gary Collins:

“Based on a landmark study of loneliness, sociologist Robert Weiss estimates that a quarter of the American population feels extremely lonely at some time during any given month.  It is condition that effects people of all ages, including young children, but researchers agree that loneliness soars during the teenage years and reaches its highest peak in people between ages eighteen and twenty-five.  Although it is seen in all cultures, loneliness occurs most often in societies, like ours, that emphasize individualism.  Lonely people appear in all vocational groups, but there is evidence that highly ambitious, ‘fast-track,’ upwardly mobile people…have an especially high incidence of loneliness.”

Such loneliness gives rise to feelings of being isolated and misunderstood.  And, of course, such loneliness may be experienced even when we are surrounded by others.  Being alone and being lonely are not synonymous.  

 John Altrocchi in his book, Abnormal Behavior writes, “One aspect of what people seem to be looking for today is a psychological sense of community…a sense that one is part of a readily available, dependable, mutually supportive network of relationships that minimizes the likelihood of experiencing the sustained feelings of loneliness and anguish, which often lead to desperate or destructive actions.” 

That quest for a sense of community is at the heart of loneliness.  But knowing this doesn’t answer key question.

Why are we so lonely?  

If we look at the story of creation we discover a crucial statement about the human personality.  After creating Adam, God declared, “ It is not good that man should be alone…” (Genesis 2:28)  Now, in the story this introduces us to the creation of Eve, but it also states something very basic about human nature.  God created us to be social creatures.   He intended us to have interaction with him and with each other.

The existence of so much loneliness signals that something has gone wrong with what God intended.  To understand what has gone wrong we need to take a look as some the contributing factors to our loneliness.

We need to understand these to help deal with the loneliness of others and our own loneliness.  What are these causes of the epidemic of loneliness?

Collins lists several causes for loneliness.  He organizes them under several categories which involve…

•   Social causes include technology, mobility, urbanization, and television.  Ironically, rather than making us feel closer, Facebook and other forms of social media may actually accentuate our loneliness as we witness--vicariously--what is happening in the lives or our friends.
•   Developmental causes  include unmet developmental needs related to our need for stable attachment, our need for acceptance, and our need for acquiring social skills.
•   Psychological causes include low low-esteem, inability to communicate, self-defeating attitudes, lack of control, hostility, and fear.
•   Spiritual causes reflect our rebellion against God, the God who has made us for himself and apart from Whom our hearts are restless, the God who placed us in human communities after declaring that it is not good for man to be alone.

Ultimately, all our loneliness is rooted in this spiritual problem.

Craig Ellison has written extensively on the subject of loneliness.  A Christian, Ellison places great importance on the spiritual issues which contribute to our loneliness.  He reminds us that God created our need for human intimacy and sin distorted that need.  Then he goes on to write, 

“As a result of sin misunderstanding, defensiveness, blaming, and power replaced perfect intimacy.  Self-interest intruded on love.  Intimacy was crushed by the lack of integrity.  Loneliness and isolation became normal and intimacy an ideal.  The Bible indicates that to the extent God is ignored or sin is left unconfessed, loneliness will pervade human life because intimacy with God and other people will be lost.”

Because of this it is impossible to always blame others for our loneliness.  Sometimes we are excluded from the company of others, sometimes we do experience rejection but these things are never the complete answer.

An important word used to describe what Jesus Christ has done for us is “reconciliation.”  Reconciliation involves bringing formerly hostile parties back together.  In the cross, Jesus accomplished reconciliation.  Not only do we have access to God through Christ, we have the possibility of a new relationship with one another through Christ.

In Ephesians Paul speaks of how Jews and Gentiles are now the one people of God.  He says the wall of division has been broken down by Christ.  He writes, “For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility.” (EPH 2:14)  There seems to be an important principle implicit here.  Through Christ the walls which separate us from others can be torn down.  Truly, “in Christ,” the term Paul uses so often to describe the believer carries with it the twofold implication that we are both in communion with Christ and in the community of Christ.

Just as God never desires us to be separated from him, He never wishes us to be separated, isolated from one another.  Reconciliation is not just about overcoming the hostility that might be reflected in racism but about overcoming anything that keeps us from community.

The psalmists and other writers of Scripture seem to have understood that God cares when we are lonely.  

In Psalm 25:16 David, prays to the God who had been with him in the isolation he knew as a shepherd, “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.”

Another psalmist praised God for his concern for widows and orphans, individuals who might be forgotten in a society.  “God,” the psalmist says, “sets the lonely in families….”  (Ps. 68:6)

In the strange book of Ecclesiastes the writer underscores a fact of human nature—we need each other.

  ECC 4:8 There was a man all alone;

    he had neither son nor brother.

  There was no end to his toil,

    yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.

  "For whom am I toiling," he asked,

    "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"

  This too is meaningless--

    a miserable business!

 ECC 4:9 Two are better than one,

    because they have a good return for their work:

  ECC 4:10 If one falls down,

    his friend can help him up.

  But pity the man who falls

    and has no one to help him up!

Later, in the New Testament, Jesus assured Peter that following him would include close human ties. Jesus understood that those following him might be losing family and friends because of their decision.  In light of this, he offered this promise: "I tell you the truth…no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age... and in the age to come, eternal life."  (MK 10:29-31)

The writer of Hebrews, writing to individuals who somehow believed it might be wise to isolate themselves when trouble started, underscored the importance of being part of a community of faith.  He told them, “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Heb 10:25)  The writer imagined the church being a place of encouragement in a world of alienation.

All of these seem to point to the fact that God does not intend for you to be bound in the grip of loneliness.  He wants you to know human companionship and intimacy.  He wants you to experience that sense of community which is the polar opposite of loneliness.  But, how can we overcome the power of loneliness?

Let me be honest with you.  Chances are, unless your feelings are related to a very recent change in your life, your loneliness won’t be cured in a day, certainly not in the time it takes to listen to a single sermon.  Still, I believe there are some things you can do to push back the loneliness and rediscover the community which God wishes you to know.

Using the insights of Gary Collins and others I’ve tried to draw together some suggestions for dealing with loneliness.  (If you decide to apply these suggestions to your life and find you need help, don’t hesitate to seek it.)  

1.   Admit the problem.  Although the experience is quite common, many people still have great difficulty admitting they are lonely.  Perhaps this is related to our culture’s emphasis upon “rugged individualism” which prompts us to try to seem stronger than we are.
2.   Explore the causes of your loneliness.  This may take the help of a counselor, although in some instances the cause for the loneliness might be very apparent. 
3.   Be prepared to change your thinking.    We might try to develop a “lifestyle of staying in touch.”  Our culture affords many opportunities of social interaction.  We may have to allow God to help.  Only rarely is our loneliness caused by another.  Ralph Keyes suggested that most of us want a sense of community with others, but there are three things we want more:  privacy, convenience, and the freedom to move.  These all contribute to loneliness.  
4.   Be open to develop a healthier self-esteem.  Again, a counselor may be helpful in the initial stages of this pursuit.
5.   Resolve to take some risks.  Take advantage of opportunities to reach out and form friendships.
6.   Be willing to develop better social skills.  In extreme cases we might need some help from a sympathetic but tough friend or counselor.
7.   Place yourself in a position to have your spiritual needs met.   Religious people are sometimes lonely, just like everyone else, but they know that their loneliness would increase if they cut themselves off from they care and encouragement of their church family.

CONCLUSION

Many of the young adults I saw in Marks and Spencer’s would be spend Friday nights at the pubs trying to make contact with someone.  Such contacts would be brief and artificial.

Monday evening it would be back to prawn sandwiches eaten alone over a sink.

In London church attendance is in the single digits.  All those lonely people ignore the very God who gave them the appetite for community.

If you’re lonely and you’re here, you’ve taken the right first step.  Don’t give up.

If you know someone who’s lonely, be the one friend who points them this way.