I was away from my office this weekend and unable to access my files; so I am tardy in posting.
I preached this sermon in 2009;
while it wasn’t prompted by anything I was experiencing in my ministry, I felt
it was important to guide our church toward a perspective that would give
victims of abuse a place of security and hope.
Second
Samuel 13
I
want to tell you about a young woman I’ll call Tammy. She is at the heart of the story I’m about to
tell. Tammy was young—probably no more
than sixteen or seventeen. She was
beautiful, strikingly so, but more important she possessed character traits
that made her as lovely in her soul as she was physically. She was sweet, kind, generous, benevolent,
and chaste—though it might be old-fashioned to say so, Tammy was saving herself
for marriage. Many who knew Tammy might
say she was an innocent. Sadly, that
innocence would be lost in a moment of violence.
Now,
meet Tammy’s half-brother Junior. They
had the same father, Leo, but different mothers. Junior was several years older than Tammy and
his character couldn’t have contrasted more.
Where Tammy was sweet and kind, Junior was capable of harshness. Where Tammy was generous and benevolent,
Junior was utterly self-centered. Where
Tammy was chaste, Junior was consumed with lust, driven by a desire for carnal
satisfaction.
Now,
Junior believed he “loved” Tammy. But,
of course, that’s what his type always say.
They claim to love the object of their desire but, in fact, they simply
want them. For a long time, Junior ached
for Tammy. Then he came up with a plot
to get what he wanted.
Innocent
Tammy was tricked into being alone with Junior.
At first, he simply urged her to sleep with him. Tammy refused. Not accustomed to having someone stand in his
way, Junior simply took what he wanted.
Afterwards,
his lust satisfied, Junior threw her out.
The innocent young woman he once claimed to have loved, he now
hated. The Greeks had a saying which
went something like this: Humans have
the gift to come to hate the ones they hurt.
And
Tammy was hurt, hurt for the rest of her life.
She would never be the same. She
fled to the home of her older brother Harry.
Tammy and Harry were full sister and brother; they had the same father
and mother. Harry quickly figured out
the basics of what had happened. He was
outraged but told Tammy not to do anything about it since it was a family
matter. He urged her to remain silent,
telling Tammy that she shouldn’t make such a fuss. For his part, Harry also kept quiet about
the assault, maybe for the sake of the family.
Of course, no woman could forget such a nightmare; it would haunt Tammy one way or another for
the remainder of her life.
Still,
Leo—their father--found out what had happened. His response was to have a flare
of anger and then forget about it. In
the end, he did nothing about it. He had
big plans for Junior and probably didn’t want anything to interfere with them.
The
funny thing is, though Harry told Tammy to forget about the attack, he
couldn’t. Two years later Harry had
Junior murdered.
Perhaps,
I should say assassinated. That’s the
proper word to use when you’re talking about killing the crown prince of the
realm. You see, I’m retelling the story
of Tamar, King David’s daughter, who was raped by Amnon, David’s oldest son and
likely heir to the throne. Amnon would
never rule because he was killed by cohorts of Absalom, Tamar’s brother. The story is told in Second Samuel 13, and if
you’re familiar with it, you know that this incident of sexual abuse led to an
incident that almost destroyed the kingdom.
Sexual
abuse is destructive. Most of the time
it doesn’t threaten kingdoms but is does destroy innocence, trust, and any
sense of self worth in the heart of the abused.
While most abuse victims are girls, many are boys
It
happens in rich families and poor, educated and uneducated families. It occurs in white, black, Hispanic, and
Asian homes. It happens in the homes of
unbelievers and in the homes of Christians.
I
once heard a psychologist say that he had stopped asking his female patients if
they were ever sexually abused. Instead,
he simply asked “when” they had been abused.
Listen
to these statistics from Darkness to Light, an organization that helps educate
about the problem of sexual abuse.
- 1 in 7 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
(96)
- 1 in 25 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.
(96)
- 1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the
internet. (30, 87)
- Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including
assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under. (76)
- An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual
abuse exist in America today
[Alyssa Rheingold,
Ph.D. reported these statistics in 2013.
These six studies
suggest an overall full-childhood sexual abuse prevalence rate of 7.5% –
11.7%*. These studies suggest the child sexual abuse prevalence rate for girls
is 10.7% to 17.4%* and the rate for boys is 3.8% to 4.6%*.
Key Findings
“About 1 in 10 children will be sexually
abused before they turn 18 *,+”
“About 1 in 7 girls and 1 in 25 boys will be
sexually abused before they turn 18*”
“It is estimated that 7-12% of children are
sexually abused*”
“As many as 400,000 babies born in the U.S.
this year will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday unless we do
something to stop it”]
The
impact of such abuse is frightening. One
half of women in prison report that they had been abused as children.
Here
are just some of the results of such abuse.
- Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who
"tell" and are not believed are at greater risk than the general
population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems
often lasting into adulthood.
- Children who have been victims of sexual abuse are
more likely to experience physical health problems (e.g., headaches).
- Victims of child sexual abuse report more symptoms of
PTSD, more sadness, and more school problems than non-victims. (10, 16,
55, 72)
- Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to
experience major depressive disorder as adults. (55, 72)
- Young girls who are sexually abused are more likely
to develop eating disorders as adolescents. (16, 40, 89)
- Adolescent victims have
difficulty in the transition to adulthood, are more likely to suffer
financial failure and physical injury, and are at risk to fail in other
areas due to problem behaviors and outcomes of the victimization.
- Victims
of child sexual abuse report more substance abuse problems. 70-80% of
sexual abuse survivors report excessive drug and alcohol use. (10, 16, 89)
- Young
girls who are sexually abused are 3 times more likely to develop
psychiatric disorders or alcohol and drug abuse in adulthood, than girls
who are not sexually abused. (16, 40, 89)
- Among
male survivors, more than 70% seek psychological treatment for issues such
as substance abuse, suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. Males who
have been sexually abused are more likely to violently victimize others. (90)
Despite
the results of such abuse, many victims remain silent. They may feel shame. They may be confused. They may have been threatened by the abuser. Another family member may have told them not
to bring this embarrassment on the family.
Silence only adds to the pain and the damage.
Because
of this, it is tragic when the church remains silent in the face of abuse. In the face of a scandalous incident of
incest, Paul raged at the Corinthian Christians for their silence. (I Cor.
5:1f) In fact, in addition to refusing
to address the matter, the church seemed to be proud of its tolerance and
refusal to be judgmental.
For
Paul, the proper response should have been outrage. The church should have condemned the
behavior. It should have demanded the
behavior stop. It should have applied
the severest of discipline on the guilty party.
In
recent years, the church has drawn criticism because some have chosen to
cover-up crimes against children. Cover
them up and allow the perpetrators to continue to have access to their most
vulnerable victims.
The
story of Tamar mirrors the patterns we see today. She was counseled to remain silent while
those who could do something did nothing.
Some
victims of abuse begin to feel as if they were somehow to blame. This produces
a profound sense of shame. Some simply
begin to feel alone and helpless.
We
don’t know why Absalom told Tamar to remain silent. One translation has him saying, in essence,
“this is a family matter” we don’t need to make it public. That’s certainly a possibility. Another possibility is that he already knew
what his father’s response would be—nothing.
Of course, when David heard about the assault on Tamar (from whom we
don’t know), he did become angry. But, interestingly, the text doesn’t tell us
toward whom or what that anger was directed.
Was he angry at himself for not being a better father? Was he angry at Amnon for being such a lout? Was he angry at Tamar for making such a
fuss? Was he angry because he had one
more thing to worry about—and a king shouldn’t have to worry about such
matters?
Whatever
prompted his anger, it didn’t run deep enough to spur him to action? We’re left to assume it quickly
subsided. Some translations add an
explanation that David “doted” on Amnon and “would not punish his son …,
because he loved him, for he was his firstborn.”[1]
That isn’t found in the Hebrew text but
comes from the Greek translation of the Old Testament and from some of the Dead
Sea Scrolls. If we consider it an
educated guess about David’s motives, a guess made by some Jewish scholar, we
can admit it has some validity. We know
that some fathers and mothers do “play favorites” with their children. Some parents even say of particularly charming
children, no matter what they’ve done, “I just can’t stay mad at him or
her.” In the end, no matter what David’s
feelings may have been, his actions seemed to have said, “Oh, well, boys will be
boys.” David, who should have loved
Tamar, did nothing.
That
inaction must have said to Tamar that she was nothing, her feelings were of no
consequence. Keep peace in the family
was the order of the day. Don’t air our
dirty laundry was the implicit rule which trumped the violation she had
experienced.
No
wonder the various translations have used such a variety of words to describe
this poor young woman’s state of mind.
We’re told Tamar was desolate, grief-stricken, sad, lonely, bitter, and
depressed. Her life would never be the
same. In a single moment, she went from
an innocent young girl wearing a garment that proclaimed her as a virgin to
wearing the signs of one in mourning.
And
she was in mourning, mourning for her future.
In that culture, marriage was out of the question. She would spend the rest of her days alone,
the beneficiary of charity. Had she not
been a princess, she might have had to make her livelihood by selling
herself. In our day, a woman who had
experienced such a secret outrage might marry but often the marriage is haunted
by the memory of her betrayal by those who should have loved and protected her.
Absalom’s
parting comment must have cut his sister deeply. She has just experienced the most traumatic
experience any woman can have and her brother says,”Don’t let this upset you so
much!” it is as if he had said, “Look,
it happens, don’t give it another thought.
Forget it and get on with your life.”
Of course, in that culture, and any culture she couldn’t just get on
with her life. She needed the freedom to
vent her feelings, to rage at the wrong done to her; but, instead, she was told to be silent—for
the good of the family.
When
we jump ahead some three thousand years, we in the Christian family must do
better for the victims who are our brothers and sisters.
What
can the church and Christian families do?
To
begin with, we need to renew our belief in the notion of human sinfulness. We need to be careful that we don’t fail to
believe a victim because we can’t or won’t believe a respectable man or woman
is capable of victimizing someone. The
fear that they won’t be believed keeps many victims silent.
We
also need to affirm our commitment to protect the weak and helpless, especially
children. Jesus demonstrated his love
and concern for children. He would not
allow them to be discounted by a world of adults. While the Bible underscores the need for
children to have regular discipline, it clearly tells parents there are
boundaries that must not be trespassed.
In a world in which a father could beat his child to death without
consequences, Paul told Christian fathers “do not provoke your children, or
they may lose heart.”[2] The abuse of children cannot be
“proof-texted” from anything said in the Scripture. Needless to say, the sexual abuse of children
can find no justification in the Scripture.
Yet,
men and women in our churches have been victims of this kind of abuse. We need to make sure that nothing in what we
say or do suggests they were responsible.
In the same way, we need to make sure these victims know they can share
their painful history without fear of recriminations. If it hasn’t been done already, we need to
banish from our community any remaining stigma attached to seeking counseling.
Now,
for some more focused suggestions. If
you have been a victim, you likely will never “forget” what happened to you but
you may be able to move on to a new and satisfying life. Each of these suggestions might be better
followed under the guidance of a skilled counselor.
1. Be prepared to look deeply and honestly into
your past and into your present so you may know how your life has been impacted
by that past.
2. With the same honesty look at your
relationships, past and present.
Remember you may have to be willing to reset some boundaries.
3. If you discover your experiences have left
you with addictions, take steps to master them.
4. Recognize you may have to “leave home”
emotionally, even if you’ve done so physically.
Because you didn’t get what you really needed at home you may keep going
back for that nurture. You’ll only be
disappointed again. With God’s help you
may have to ‘reparent’ yourself.
5. Grieve your losses, feel the pain, and strive
to move on to a new level of maturity.
6. Consider how you might forgive the abuser
without placing yourself back in the path of abuse. That act of forgiveness will benefit you more
than it will the abuser. [In some
situations, forgiveness is all you may hope for; reconciliation might be
impossible or hazardous.]
7. Develop a new self-perception. With God’s help, see yourself as capable of
receiving and giving love, standing up for your rights, and moving on to a new
life.
8. Embrace new opportunities and
experiences. Take off the fear and
protective armor you’ve been wearing and enter into life with your new
God-given confidence.
9. Be accountable for your relationships. Don’t slip into the position where you might
once again become a victim.
10. Take a periodical self-test to see how you
are doing.
Conclusion
Some
of you hearing this sermon may be saying, “Why is he saying this?” Some of you may be saying, “Why hasn’t he
said this before?”
To
both questions I’ll simply say, I never want our church to be a place where the
shame of silence allows abuse to continue and allow those hurting to continue
to hurt.
If
we take seriously Jesus’ promise of a new life, we must believe that new life
can transform those who have known this darkest kind of abuse.
