Over the years I preached on friendship several
times. I had observed that even in our
churches there are many lonely people.
Some are lonely because they have “trust issues,” for some reason they
can’t trust people; some are lonely because they are “odd bods,” they wouldn’t
fit in anywhere—at a bar or at church—of course, church is one place where they
should be able to find a greater measure of acceptance than anywhere else; some
are lonely because they don’t understand the dynamics of friendship. I hope this lesson will help these
people. It is also a model of one way to
study Proverbs. This collection of wise sayings
invites us to study it topically. Other
topics you might pursue include family, work, speech, and money.
The summer
Olympics start in a few weeks. Isn’t
nice to have a competition in which politics never plays a role. Okay, that joke won’t win a medal. But here’s a story I think I worth telling.
It comes
from David Wallechinsky:
Jesse Owens seemed sure to win the long jump at the
1936 games. The year before he had jumped 26 feet, 8 1/4 inches -- a record
that would stand for 25 years. As he walked to the long-jump pit, however,
Owens saw a tall, blue eyed, blond German taking practice jumps in the 26-foot
range. Owens felt nervous. He was acutely aware of the Nazis' desire to prove
"Aryan superiority," especially over blacks. At this point, the tall
German introduced himself as Luz Long. "You should be able to qualify with
your eyes closed!" he said to Owens, referring to his two jumps. For the
next few moments the black son of a sharecropper and the white model of Nazi
manhood chatted. Then Long made a suggestion. Since the qualifying distance was
only 23 feet, 5 1/2 inches, why not make a mark several inches before the
takeoff board and jump from there, just to play it safe? Owens did and
qualified easily. In the finals Owens set an Olympic record and earned the
second of four golds. The first person to congratulate him was Luz Long -- in
full view of Adolf Hitler. Owens never again saw Long, who was killed in World
War II. "You could melt down all the medals and cups I have," Owens
later wrote, "and they wouldn't be a platting on the 24-carat friendship I
felt for Luz Long."
That story
reminds us that some friendships may not last long but they can have a lasting
impact on us.
Most of us
know that good friendships need to be kept in good repair. We know that neglect, unresolved conflict,
changes that aren't reckoned with, and simple busyness can cause a friendship
to wither.
Because of the forces that tend to nullify even the
best of our friendships we need to work to keep our friendships healthy.
This is
especially true if we believe friends are the gift of God.
What can be
done to maintain the health of a friendship?
Someone has said everyone of us needs at least five people in our lives
whose faces light up when we walk into the room. How do we keep those faces lighting up? The Bible suggests that our friends are among
the resources that help keep us attuned to what God is doing in our lives. How do we keep the channels of communication
open?
The Book of
Proverbs gives us insight into how we can keep our friendships healthy, those
insights can be summed up under a few key words.
I
COMMITMENT
PR 27:9
Perfume
and incense bring joy to the heart,
and the pleasantness of one's friend
springs from his earnest counsel.
1.
Here the writer speaks of friendship in picturesque terms.
--Just as perfume and incense bring
a sensual joy to the inner person, friends bring joy to each other.
2.
Lasting friendships begin with a commitment to the ideal of friendship.
--Unless we believe friendships
matter we're not likely to know lasting relationships.
Remember the old Simon and
Garfunkel song: "I have no need of friendship, friendship causes
pain..." Well no wonder the
singer had no friends. In fact, today,
the two singers can’t stand each other. [In case there are any pop-music fans
reading this, I decided to check out a couple facts just to see if anything had
changed since I first preached the sermon. A couple years ago Paul Simon hinted that
their hostility was, to a degree, “a set-up.”
Still, Simon insists there are no
plans for a reunion.]
3.
Without such a commitment, a friendship won't be able to weather the
storms.
Believers and unbelievers alike
have demonstrated great commitment to their friends. But the Christian faith provides the
resources that might enable us to break down the obstacles that keep us from
attempting such a commitment.
--Christian faith allows me to say,
"I am a person of worth to God."
--Christian faith allows me to say,
"I am accepted by God and am being constantly improved by his grace."
--Christian faith allows me to say,
"Because of the exciting things a gracious God is doing in my life, I am a
person worth knowing."
--Christian faith allows me to say,
"I see you as a person of worth and potential."
Commitment to friendship is
translated into...
II
CONSTANCY
PR
18:24
there is a friend who sticks closer than a
brother.
1.
Fair-weather friends don't know long-term relationships unless there is
a long, long spell of good weather.
2. The NT word for this kind of constancy is
"faithfulness".
--It does
not ignore the friend's wrongdoing. Sometimes it is only our friend who is able to
suggest a course correction when we are going the wrong way.
--It is a
constancy that will make a commitment of time to another.
--It is a
constancy that tolerates the friend's periods of distance and strange behavior.
--It is a
constancy that recognizes that friendships go through periods of ebb and flow.
--It
is the quality of "being there."
(
A commitment
to friendship will see the need for…
III
CONFIDENTIALITY
PR
17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates
close friends.
1. Friendships don't last without a sense of
trust. Proverbs 17:9 has two possible meanings. It may refer to a tale-bearer.
When we
repeat what we know about our friends or what they have told us we put the
entire friendship at risk. Proverbs 16:28>"...a gossip separates the closest of friends." (NET) That's
true whether the gossip is a third person or one of the friends.
2. There are feelings of fear or hope we long to
share with someone; they are important
to us and we don't want them trivialized.
Charlie Brown
once told a secret dream he had. He told her he wished he could run really fast
and be called, "Flash Brown".
Lucy, who had promised not to reveal the secret, tells the world and the
world laughs.
Proverbs
11:13 tells us a gossip has something wrong on the inside, they are
untrustworthy; Proverbs 20:19 warns
people away from the gossip ("do not
associate with a person whose mouth is always open"). Sometimes a person's mouth keeps them from having
friends and the cure is not Listerine.
The word
"friend" in one of the Native American languages is a compound word
meaning "one who carries my sorrows
upon his back." How long would
anyone have friends if they were known for revealing the contents of that
backpack?
3. Develop a reputation for treating another
person's secrets as you would like your secrets to be treated.
A commitment
to friendship may lead us to…
IV
CARING CONFRONTATION
PR
27:6
Wounds
from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses.
1.
When the proverbist speaks of "wounds
from a friend" he's revealing a familiarity with life.
--Probably come in the shape of
hard, corrective words which sometimes must be spoken to a friend.
Caring
Enough to Confront is
the title of a book on this aspect of our relationships. It reminds us that real caring won’t ignore
behavior that can harm our friend.
--Honest concern that is courageous
enough to speak plainly to a friend is essential to a healthy friendship.
2. Sometimes it hurts to be a friend because we
must wound the one we care about. Such
"wounds" occur when we
--must
confront a friend over attitudes and actions which are plainly wrong,
--intervene
when we see a friend engaging in addictive and self-destructive behavior,
--or warn a
friend that the seemingly bright path they are about to take only leads to
darkness.
3. Are you willing to risk the friendship for
the well-being of your friend?
--After the
confrontation there may be a period of coolness.
--Often the
friendship rekindles because the "wounded" friend realizes the wounds
were given in love.
(By
implication this means, if you would be a friend you must be willing not only
to confront but to be confronted.)
A commitment
to friendship involves…
V
CHARITY
PR
17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates
close friends.
1. Sometimes an act or a word threatens a
friendship.
--What is
meant by "offense"? Used to
describe the act of Joseph's brothers.
Used in David's prayer for forgiveness
PS 51:1
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
This is not
a trivial matter. It is a real threat to
the relationship.
When the word
is used as an adjective it may describe certain things we might say our friend. The offense could be verbal; sometimes a
friend may say something that is hurtful.
2. The danger to the friendship will persist
unless forgiveness prevails.
--The word translated "covers over"
suggests complete forgiveness. It is
used to describe how the waters of Noah's flood covered the mountains, how the
waters of the sea covered the armies of Pharaoh in the Exodus.
It is used
to describe God's forgiveness of our sins and how on friend forgives another.
PS 85:2 You forgave the iniquity of your
people
and covered all their sins.
PS
32:1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
PR 10:12 Hatred stirs up dissension,
but love covers over all wrongs.
--When a friend hurts you are you
able to offer that quality of forgiveness?
What about forgetfulness?
The proverb also recognizes the
human tendency to harp on a matter. The idea is that one of the friends won’t
stop talking about the other friends failure.
New English Translation>"whoever
keeps bringing up the issue separates the closest of friends."
To harp on a hurt or a slight will
eventually spoil a friendship.
3.
By God's grace we need the charity to get past a hurt and then leave
that hurt in the past.
A lasting friendship, like a
lasting marriage, requires two forgivers--and forgetters.
CONCLUSION
Most of us long for an amazing
friendship, a friendship which stands despite the passing of years and the challenges
of life.
How do we
become part of such friendships? It is
more than just luck. Samuel Johnson
offered advice that may reveal the secret, "You
should keep your friendship in constant repair."
Keeping your
friendship in constant repair begins with a commitment to friendship. That kind of commitment is best kept by the
grace of God flowing through us.
