Comforting
Comforters
I Thessalonians 5:11
You remember
Job.
We don’t know much
about him. We don’t even know who wrote
the book that tells his story or when it was written. Fortunately we don’t have to know these
things to appreciate his story.
We can guess he was a
hard-worker whose labor was rewarded with land, crops, and herds. He was a loving father and a devout
believer—though he may not have been ethnically or religiously Jewish. But there isn’t much we know beyond
that. However, in Job 4:4 we learn he
was probably a good friend. Eliphaz
commends Job because “your words kept men on their feet.”
Of course, we also
know that almost overnight he lost his possessions, his children, and his
health. His wife survived but, if you know
the story, that may or may not have been a blessing.
He desperately needed
someone to comfort him. But no one stepped
forward to help him stay on his feet. Instead,
there was that group of men known to history as “Job’s Comforters.” Just in case you don’t know the phrase (or
Job’s experience with them) let me give you a definition from
Wordsmith.org: “Job’s comforter [refers to] a person who tries to console or help
someone and not only fails but ends up making the other feel worse.”
None of us wants to
face such comforters; none of us, I hope, wants to be such a comforter. We want to be the most comfort we can be when
we deal with a friend or loved-one facing a difficult time.
How can we help when
we just don’t know how? Here are some
basic suggestions.
You can
help by refusing to offer insights that are “above your pay grade.”
The “backstory” of
Job is strange, perhaps unprecedented and never again repeated. Certainly it is one we could have never
guessed; we needed the author’s introduction.
We don’t always have this kind of insight.
Yet, a lot of anguish
in human relationships—and that includes relationships in the church—occur when
people claim to know what they can’t possibly know.
In a sense, this was
the root problem of Job’s comforters. The
unhelpful words they heaped on Job did not come from knowing Job but from their
commitment to a theory, a philosophy. A
worldview that happened to be wrong.
So, the news of Job’s
great tragedy goes out and his “comforters” descend upon him with their one-size-fits-all
message. We can sum it up in a few
words: You must’ve sinned. That was their explanation for all of life’s
troubles. You must have sinned;
otherwise life would be going pretty well for you.
It’s a response to
suffering that was around long before Job’s story refuted it and around long
after Job. Centuries later Jesus refuted
it, yet it’s still around today.
If you don’t want to
be a “Job’s comforter,” don’t go there.
Of course, we give
other answers beyond our pay grade. We
say to the young father who’s just been laid off, “God knew you trusted that
job too much; he wants to teach you to trust him.” God certainly wants us to trust him but do we
really know enough to use that to explain an economic downturn?
Don’t misunderstand;
sometimes our behavior gets us into trouble and sometimes we need God’s
chastening. And sometimes God does have
something to teach us. But, unless you
have hacked heaven’s computers and read your friend’s private file, don’t make
assumptions.
We should always
weigh our responses to a friend’s troubles—especially our initial responses—to
be sure we’re not claiming to know more than we can possibly know.
You can help by hearing what the
sufferer has to say.
When we set out to be
a comfort to another person we often spend time wondering what we’re going to
say. It might be better to spend some
time thinking about how we might best listen.
People facing pain and difficulty, especially
if it has come on them without warning, often need to vent their feelings. They need someone who will listen to their
angry questions without condemning them and, usually, without trying to answer
them. They may need someone to hear
their story one more time, how the doctor broke the news, how the crash
occurred, how their spouse said the marriage was over.
What if that person
says something outrageous, something bordering on heresy? What if that person offers some
interpretation about God’s dealings with the world which simply does not square
with the Scripture?
First, remember that
time might give this person a clearer perspective. Second, I think it’s appropriate to say, “You
know, I don’t think I agree with you but this is not the time for a theological
debate. Maybe we can talk later.”
You can help by pointing the
sufferer to the good graces of God.
Paul and other
writers believed it was God’s nature to encourage those going through “that
lonesome valley.” He wrote to the
Thessalonians, “May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved
us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your
hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” (2TH 2:16-17)
In another place Paul
described God as, “… the God who gives endurance and encouragement.”
Urging people going
through a tough time to pray—to honestly admit their fears and anger to God—may
be one of the best things you can to for them.
Briefly sharing a scripture may put them in touch with the One who knows
the depth of their pain and confusion.
You can help even if you can’t be
with the sufferer.
You might be able to
encourage someone at a distance through a letter. The art of letter writing is somewhat a lost
art in these days of cell phones and email, but an old-fashioned letter,
carefully crafted and focused, can be a long-term source of encouragement.
The Jerusalem church
sent a letter to the church at Antioch. On
one level, it was a letter about a policy issue, but it had a deeper
effect. Luke describes the impact of
that letter. He says, “The people read
it and were glad for its encouraging message.”
Paul wrote some of his letters to encourage those churches he couldn’t
visit.
Keep in mind you
might be able to send your word of encouragement through another. While in prison for his faith, Paul sent
Timothy and others out to carry a word of encouragement to the churches he
cared about.
Maybe you can’t visit
your sick or grieving friend. Maybe you
can send a word of encouragement to them through another.
Let me take a moment
to say something about phone calls.
Sometimes they’re good, but the truth is they take place on our terms,
on our schedule. They take no account of
how busy or how weary our troubled friend might be. Mobile
phones have complicated the situation because it means calls are almost
inescapable. So, if you must
call, ration your calls; don’t cause someone to dread seeing your name on the
caller id. If you do call, don’t pad
your call with “war stories” about people in similar situations. Calls might be
best well after the crisis and then an occasional call just to check in.
You can help despite your lack of
formal training.
Sometimes we hesitate
to try to offer encouragement to someone going through a painful situation
because we are at a loss for words. We
think it is a job for the professionals.
Certainly we need professional counselors, but sometimes it may be
enough to just let the sufferer know you care.
Joseph Baylys had
repeated tragedies in his life. The
former seminary professor, who died a few years ago, after writing one of the
finest books on grief I’ve ever read, lost three sons. One died as an infant, another died at the
age of six from a chronic illness, and another died in a sledding accident at
the age of nineteen. As Baylys left the
hospital following his six-year-old’s death, the nurse who had cared for the
child rode down in the elevator with him.
She said, “I wish I could find the words to give you some comfort in a
time like this.”
Baylys said, “You
just did.”
What did he
mean? He meant it was encouraging to
know someone cared. You can convey that
with just a few words or, sometimes, with just your presence.
You can help even if you’re facing
some tough times yourself
Often, when hurt or
wounded by life, we have to focus on our own mending process. We have to expend our energy getting
better. The Bible’s description of human
nature recognizes that.
But, sometimes, in
the strange grace of God, the wounded can serve as the healers.
In Acts 19-20, we
have an account of Paul’s ministry in Ephesus and its aftermath. In one explosive afternoon, some irate
devotees of the goddess Diana cause a near riot. Suddenly, it was too dangerous for the
Apostles to stay there. Their lives and
the lives of the new Christians were in danger.
So Paul had to leave the dear friends he had made in Ephesus. This is how Luke explains what Paul did next.
When the
uproar had ended, Paul sent for the disciples and, after encouraging them, said
good-by and set out for Macedonia. He
traveled through that area, speaking many words of encouragement to the people…
(Acts 20)
Although hurting
himself, Paul was able to offer encouragement to others.
You can sometimes help without speaking a word.
This should be a
comfort to the chronically tongue-tied and a caution to the persistently
verbose. Sometimes actions not only
speak louder than words, they are more effective and more appreciated.
A friend facing a
challenging time may need some very practical help. Load a dishwasher. Feed the pets. See if their car needs tidying up or a little
gas. These are the things easily
forgotten in a stressful time.
We can all help by being the
people God intended us to be.
From the Old
Testament to the New, God has always wanted his people to be in a community, a
community where encouragement is the norm.
The prophet Isaiah
preached to a culture that had largely forgotten how to be God’s people. We know there were frequent forays into
idolatry and into sexual sin, but there were other ways in which they failed to
be the people God wanted them to be. In
one of his sermons, Isaiah said:
Stop
doing wrong,
learn
to do right!
Seek
justice,
encourage
the oppressed.
Defend
the cause of the fatherless,
plead
the case of the widow.
(Isa. 1:16-17)
To be the people God
wanted them to be they would become encouragers. One translation says they were to “gladden
the oppressed.”
That God still
intends his people to be a community of encouragement is seen in the New
Testament as well.
In that familiar
passage we so often use to urge people to go to church, the writer of Hebrews
says: “ Let us not give up meeting
together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one
another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:25) Earlier he had told his readers, “Encourage
one another daily.” Why daily? Because the things that might discourage us
can come on us any time, without warning.
The church can be a
place of encouragement, not only as each member takes seriously the call to be
an encourager, but by safeguarding the foundation of our encouragement.
Paul told Timothy to,
“Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with
great patience and careful instruction.”
Paul reminds us that the faithful opening up of God’s Word, whether from
the pulpit, in a discussion group, in a Sunday school class, or in the
literature we promote, gives us access to the encouraging promises of God.
Early Easter morning
in 1932, a pastor was getting ready for church.
He was shaving and listening to the radio. The speaker on the radio was a minister who
had embraced the more radical aspects of liberalism. After bringing his Easter greetings, he told
his listeners he wasn’t concerned about the facts of the resurrection
story. He said that even if Jesus’ body
had crumbled to dust, his inspiring message lived on. It didn’t matter if Jesus actually rose from
the grave.
“That’s a lie,” the
pastor shouted at the radio so loudly his wife who was in another part of the
house heard him. After he explained what
had upset him, she said, “Well, why don’t you do something about it.”
So, later that
evening, Alfred Ackley wrote the words we often sing at Easter:
“I
serve a risen Savior, He’s in the world today;
I
know that he is living, whatever men may say;
I
see His hand of mercy, I hear His voice of cheer,
And
just the time I need Him He’s always near.
He
lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today!”
If we want our church
to do the work of encouragement, we need to be sure we maintain sound doctrine.
In the church, every
believer is called to this ministry of encouragement. The command, “Encourage one another” was not
written to just a few. We should all be
alert to times when we may say the encouraging word to that man or woman facing
trial.
Conclusion
Job’s comforters were
no comfort at all. But you can comfort
and encourage those facing tough times.
That’s good for
Christians to know. In the aftermath of
the tragedy, even while the floodwaters are still swirling around, we are to
put on our boots and wade out to try to help.
With God’s help we can do just that.
