Have you seen The King’s Speech, the Oscar winning
film about the efforts of King George VI to overcome a speech impediment that
nearly crippled his efforts to serve as king during the war
years. Of course, George would have never been king if his older brother
hadn’t fallen in love with American divorcee Wallis Simpson. Edward
VIII abdicated so he could marry her. The film portrays
Edward, who became the Duke of Windsor, as something of a jerk—a portrayal that
some argue was fairly accurate.
Anyway, in a 1957 interview in Look, the Duke,
who had no children, said this about America: “The thing that impresses
me most about America is the way parents obey their children.”
I can’t help but wonder what he would say today. The
duke, who died in 1972, might actually be shocked at the changing attitude
toward children. Would he be impressed at the restaurants in
Pennsylvania and North Carolina that have banned children under the age of
six? Would he approve of those “senior” communities that have said
no to children, even those visiting grandparents? There is a new
attitude toward children that treats them as necessary evils to keep the race
going.
Jesus welcomed children and his attitude seems to have been passed
on to Paul. That attitude is implicit in what he says in Ephesians
6:1-4 and the nearly parallel passage in Colossians 3:20-21. But
let’s begin with a look at the culture in which Paul wrote.
If you think it was tough being a wife in the first-century, you
should consider what it was like to be a child.
Dionysius of Halicarnassus wrote of the father’s authority:
[Roman law] ‘…gave virtually full power to the father over
his son, whether he thought proper to imprison him, to scourge him, to put him
in chains, and keep him at work in the fields, or to put him to death, and this
even though the son were engaged in public affairs, though he were numbered
among the highest magistrates, and though he were celebrated for his zeal for
the commonwealth.”
In most cases the father’s control over his child was complete
until he emancipated the child or until the father died. A father
could even sell his child into slavery should he wish.
Of course, most fathers did not make that choice but they still
tended to be harsh in their discipline.
Jews, Greeks, and Romans all agreed that the liberal application
of the “rod” was the best form of child rearing. One Jewish writer
during the Inter-testamental period said, “He who loves his son will whip him
often….Bow down his neck in his youth, and beat his sides while he is
young.” In the non-Jewish world, fathers who were following the
advice and example of the best-known educators beat their children as a matter
of course.
One Roman writer tells of an occasion when he successfully and
truthfully convinced his mother that he was not guilty of an offense for which
she planned to punish him. She announced that since the preparations
had already been made, the beating would take place and he could carry it on
his account for the next time he was in trouble.
Such discipline is clearly designed to break the spirit of the
child.
Paul took a different view. As we look at this passage
from Colossians we’ll find he believed the relationship of Christian children
and Christian parents should be shaped by their relationship to Christ.
Children and parents should reflect their Christian identity in
their relationship.
To understand this look at …
I
THE CHILD’S OBLIGATION
Children, obey your parents in everything, for
this pleases the Lord.
In the exciting days of the early church there must have been many
families turning to Christ. These would have included husband, wife, and
children old enough to profess faith and receive baptism. Commentators
differ on whether or not Paul had in mind a Christian family when he wrote, but
I think the weight of evidence suggests he does.
Teknon, the word translated
“children,” is used often in the New Testament and refers to children in
general, not those of any particular age. It is reasonable to assume
that the older the child, the more Paul’s words would have had an impact on
them.
In our age which consults children about what they want to wear,
eat, where they want to go to school and where they would like to go on
vacation, it’s easy for us to miss something remarkable in this passage Paul
writes to children: He writes to them. Most of the
household codes written in the first century would not have had any portion
addressed to the children themselves. That Paul thought the children
(at least the older ones) in the Colossian and Ephesians churches were capable of receiving and
responding to instruction regarding their behavior and responsibility is a
remarkable acknowledgment of their personhood.
He writes to them as responsible young Christians able to
understand that part of their discipleship involved being obedient to their
parents. What is important is not that being obedient will please their parent,
though it’s assumed it would, what is important is that being obedient will
please the Lord.
If Paul was writing to Christian families, he was assuming that
the parents would not require anything which would be contrary to Christian
moral principles. Should a Christian young person find himself or
herself in such a difficult situation, other principles apply.
But here Paul is assuming the best. He is also calling
for a respectful obedience to both parents. He assumes that at least some
of the instructions will come from the mother.
In a practical sense, this short-circuits a Christian child trying
to play one parent off the other. It suggests that no Christian
young person should attempt to circumvent a negative answer given by one parent
by going to the other.
Christian young people sometimes ask, “How can I know God’s will
for my life?” How can we help them find an answer, what can we say
to them? At least part of the answer is implied in this verse. We can say
something like this, “Right now, at this stage of your life, God’s will for you
comes, in part, from the mouths of your parents.”
That’s tough when the quest for independence is uppermost in the
mind of a young person. It’s tougher still when we consider the
sheer scope Paul gives to this command. Obedience is to be “in
everything.”
It calls for trust. Trust, as the young person keeps
uppermost the idea that his or her parents really have their best interests in
mind as they lay down restrictions and limitations.
It calls for restraint. Restraint is needed because the
young person sometimes does possess a greater maturity than the parent is ready
to concede.
It calls for forbearance and forgiveness because sometimes
Christian parents, though they might have the best of intentions, will make
mistakes in determining what is best for the children they love.
In this passage which is so easy to read and dismiss with a casual
“so what else is new” attitude, Paul pays the children a great compliment. He
is telling them that as Christians they have the capacity to participate in the
process of growing toward freedom and maturity.
II
THE PARENTS’ OBLIGATION
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become
discouraged.
Commentators don’t agree on whether or not Paul was writing to
fathers alone or to both parents. While in some cases pateres can mean “parents,” in the first-century world the father
would have been seen as the primary disciplinarian. Paul may be
keeping that in mind.
Even if Paul’s writing is directed to a first-century audience, I
think we are appropriate in saying that the principle he lays down applies to
both parents.
At the same time at least one commentator suggests that Paul’s
words may be specifically directed toward fathers for a reason. He
writes,
[Fathers] “can easily become tyrannical and
unreasonable, bullying where they should be blessing, and infuriating when they
should be inspiring, sometimes imposing silly restrictions which can only lead
to exasperation, or impossible demands which can only make them ‘dishearted’
(NEB).”
The comment reflects the view of another age before we made the
sad discovery that sometimes the treatment meted out by mothers can be just as
psychologically and spiritually devastating as that of any father.
In an age in which the great majority of those writing on
child-rearing gave the father unhindered freedom to deal with his child as he
saw fit, Paul calls on Christian fathers to be self-restrained and to possess a
vision for the future.
Since both letter—Ephesians and Colossians—acknowledge some
parenting can have a negative effect, we need to look seriously at this problem
before we move on.
We sometimes scoff at the notion of grown men and women blaming
their parents for their neuroses and quirks. Sometimes that scoffing
is merited. Yet, we can’t deny that Paul is at least suggesting that
how we treat our children now can have long-term effects on their emotional and
psychological well-being. What is Paul warning parents against?
He warns against the possibility of “embittering” our
children. What does he have in mind? J. B. Philips
renders the verse, "Fathers, don't over-correct your children, or they
will grow up feeling inferior and frustrated." The New Living
Translation renders the verse as “Fathers, don’t aggravate your
children. If you do, they will become discouraged and quit
trying.” The Amplified Bible warns, “Fathers, do not provoke or
irritate or fret your children—do not be hard on them or harass
them…” A. T. Robertson says the word translated as “provoke” carries
the idea of
nagging.
I would paraphrase the command something like
this: “You parents, by your words and your actions, don’t continually
play mind-games with your children, don’t use your disciplining them as an
excuse for a power-trip. If you do, you may mar them by breaking
their spirits for the rest of their lives.”
The nineteenth century’s best-known preacher understood
this. Charles Spurgeon said, “A child’s back must be made to bend,
but not be broken. He must be ruled, but not with a rod of
iron. His spirit must be conquered, but not be crushed.”
But, why don’t we want to break their spirits? Because
if we send them out of the home into the world with a broken spirit, striped of
their capacity to resist, we sentence them to yield to any and all other
psychological bullies they may encounter.
Commentators have a hard time defining the outcome Paul describes
but it’s clear that it has a crippling impact on the child.
How do parents run the risk of embittering or discouraging their
children?
1. Through unrealistic expectation.
This is primarily expecting more from a child than that child is
able to give at the moment in it development. I’ve seen parents
spank a four-year-old for spilling his milk even though its unfair to expect a
child of that age to always have the hand-eye coordination to manage a glass of
milk. It’s especially unfair when you consider that not a few
forty-year-olds occasionally spill their milk.
Some behavior goes along with the age.
2. Through inconsistency.
For something to be okay one day and wrong the next confuses a
child, makes him believe the rules can be changed without notice.
Snap at your daughter for something she’s done everyday of her
life frustrates her and affronts her sense of justice.
3. Verbal abuse.
Words and actions are powerful. They can encourage a
child or destroy the child’s self-esteem and sense of personal worth.
Some commentators suggest there may have been a more serious
concern in Paul’s mind, a concern that such parents cause their children to
turn from the faith.
What could be worse for Christian parents than to know that their
children have abandoned the faith because they abused the stewardship God gave
them as parents?
But I don’t want to leave things on this negative note. Just as a reminder here’s what Paul says to
the Colossians.
Fathers, do not provoke
your children, lest they become discouraged.
That word is largely negative, telling parents what they should
avoid doing. Paul’s instructions to the
Ephesians contains positive instructions about what parents should strive to
do.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them
up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
If the Romans wanted
fathers to manage their children for the good of society, Paul wanted parents
to recall their work had a spiritual dimension, eternal consequences.
The most important relationship your child can have is not with
you, it is with God.
Many parents are failing to foster that relationship.
Somehow we have come to believe our children will grow into
a relationship with God naturally. The Christian doctrine of sin
teaches that the most "natural" thing to happen is for our children
to grow away from God.
Somehow we have come to believe any attempt to
evangelize our children would be indoctrinating them. There are
already forces at work trying to indoctrinate them to worldviews that do not
acknowledge God; if you wait long enough your postponed words for
Christ may not get through to your child.
Somehow we've come to believe we shouldn't try to
influence them but let our children make up their own minds about these
matters. Can you tell me one other issue we approach in
that way? School, smoking, sleep.
Somehow we've come to believe we should leave this important
matter to the pastor or Sunday school teacher. I may have a larger
theological vocabulary than yours, but can I have more influence on your
children than you? And even the most devoted SS teacher has only an
hour's influence per week.
Somehow we've come to believe we have plenty of time to talk
to our children about these matters. There comes a time, often
before we expect it, when our influence on our children diminishes greatly, you
can't always be sure your child will hear you when you speak on Christ's
behalf.
Let me make you this promise: As you speak to your
child on Christ's behalf, you can expect the help of the Spirit within you.
Some Observations and Suggestions for Dusty
Nesters
It might seem this sermon is directed to those who still have
children at home. It is, but what does it say to those Empty
Nesters. What about those with Dusty Nests—those who are watching
their children raise children.
1. We should strive to remember that in a Christian
family both children and parents, of all ages, are called to mutual
respect.
In sick families, respect is a rare commodity. Families
which are being transformed by Jesus Christ are made up of people who show
respect for each other. If you are the parent of a grown child who
seems to be making a mistake with his or her children, what can you
do? Some would say nothing. But I don’t think we have
that option. If we have a history of demonstrating respect toward
that child, we will be better able to speak a word of counsel. We
won’t be assured a hearing but the odds will be better.
2. We may be able to help our grown children understand
that in a Christian family both parents and children—regardless of their
age—should understand that their relationship is dynamic and growing.
It’s one thing for a mother to pick her child’s clothes when that
child is in the first grade, it is quite another for that mother to be picking
those clothes when the child is a senior in high school.
Parenting involves moving our children toward the day when they
are ready to make decisions on their own. We may offer counsel and
advice, but the time will come when we must see that they have the right to
chart the course of their own lives.
If that child has been raised in an atmosphere of constant
belittlement and disparagement, what Paul calls provoking children, their
self-confidence will be so frail that they will never feel comfortable making
the most basic decisions of life. They may surrender the choice to
another, they may postpone making the decisions, or they may make the decision
hastily because they fear being exposed as incompetent.
Have you seen the Subaru commercial with the father and
daughter? The is shown leaning into a car giving telling
the driver to stay off highways because she isn’t ready yet, to not use the
cell phone when driving, to watch her speed. The camera flashes to
the driver, a tiny little blonde girl who’s no more than five or six.
Exasperated, she says, “Daddy!” The father says, “just
be careful” and hands over the keys to the teenager who is actually sitting
behind the wheel—the child he still saw as is little girl.
As Christian parents we understand that God, our children, and
ourselves have been partners for years working the day when our children face
the world on their own.
How good it would be for our children to be able to face that day
with the knowledge that they have honored their parents with
obedience. How good it would be for the parents to be able to face
that day with the knowledge that they have sent their children into the adult
world encouraged not discouraged, with feelings of confidence not feelings of
inferiority.
Above all, how good for them to know the Christ we taught them
about is with them.
