A Gift You Give Yourself

In 2002 I presented this study of friendship.  It’s a little lengthy for a sermon.  I would probably trim it a little today but since you can read it at your leisure, I’ll leave in the bits I’d take out if I were preaching it again.

Eccl. 4:9f

Jess Lair described what he considered to be an ideal support system.  He said it would consist of a job that challenges you, a spouse who loves you, and five friends whose faces light up when they see you.

If your job is less than inspiring or if you don’t have a spouse, maybe this is the time to really give some thought to those five friends.

Some of us would confess that we don’t have that many friends whose faces light up when they see us.  Some of you may fee as if you have no friends.  You know the truth of Francis Bacon’s observation:  “The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.”

Maybe you’ve adopted the attitude expressed in the old Simon and Garfunkel song.  Remember the words?  “I have no need of friendship.  Friendship causes pain.  Its laughter and loving I disdain.  I am a rock.  I am an island.”  That’s certainly not the Biblical view of friendship.

And, speaking of islands.  Did you see Castaway?  If you did, you’ll remember how Tom Hanks’ character, the sole survivor of a mid-ocean plane crash, found himself alone on a tiny, foreboding island.  And, you’ll remember how he made a friend of Wilson—the volleyball he had drawn a crude face on.  Something in him cried out for a friend.

We all know churches should be friendly.  That adds so much to the appeal of any church of any size.  At the same time we need to remember giving the impression of being a friendly church implies a willingness to be friends.  If we fail at that, people will move on.  David Garland understood this.  He writes in his commentary on Colossians, "We are mistaken if we think that people are simply looking for friendly churches; they are looking for friends."

Except for Jesus, Solomon was the wisest man in the Bible.  Listen to what he says about the value of friendship and the tragedy of being alone.

ECC 4:9 Two are better than one,

    because they have a good return for their work:

  ECC 4:10 If one falls down,

    his friend can help him up.

  But pity the man who falls

    and has no one to help him up!

  ECC 4:11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

    But how can one keep warm alone?

  ECC 4:12 Though one may be overpowered,

    two can defend themselves.

  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Because friends are so valuable we would be wise to develop and maintain healthy friendships.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote an essay on “Friends.”  What he has to say is amazingly fresh and attuned to what the Bible has to say on the subject.  Let me share some excerpts with you.

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”

“Every man passes his life in the search after friendship.”  Allow me to add that some of the saddest people I’ve known are those who have found that search fruitless and have given it up.

Emerson, ultimately, saw that friends are a gift of God.

“We force no doors in friendship, but like the Christ in Revelation, we stand reverently at the door without, to knock.  And only if the door is opened from within may we be welcome in to sup with our friend and he with us.

“My friends have come unsought.   The great God gave them to me.”

In a very real sense, while God gives us our friends they are also gifts we give ourselves.  I say this because, unless we see the value of our friendships and strive to keep them healthy, the gift will be wasted.

Consider the Value of a Friend

Solomon uses vivid word pictures to show the value of friends.  For example, he imagines a man who has fallen, perhaps because he was weighed down with a crushing load, and is unable to get back on his feet.  The man struggles mightily but to no avail.  If only there were someone—a friend—to help him up.

When you have friends, you have help for life’s tasks and help for life’s trials.

1  When you have a real friend, loneliness is reduced. 

From time to time all of us will have moments of feeling lonely.  That’s true even if we have friends.  But for that person who has friends, the loneliness doesn’t have to become a crushing weight.

2.  When you have a real friend, your worth is affirmed.

Again Emerson speaks to this issue:  “The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship.”

At the same time, a good friend will make you a better person.  We’ve heard a lot of talk in recent years about “unconditional love.”  It’s a valuable discussion, especially as we try to understand human relationships.  Unconditional love does love you as you are, with no demands for change or demands for some emotional tribute in order to keep the relationship alive.  But if unconditional love loves you as you are, it loves you too much to leave you as you are. 

Again, the Book of Proverbs speaks on this matter when it says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”   I picture the efforts of a friend to “file” away the rough spots in the character of his or her friend.  The Knox translation captures this idea, “Iron whets iron, friend shapes friend.”

A good friend will make you a better person.  Think of what happened to those who first knew the blessing of friendship with Jesus.  Leslie Weatherhead says, “Christianity began…in a vivid, tremendous, transforming experience of the friendship of Jesus.”

Now, this leaves us with some important questions.  Do our friends make us better persons?  Are others better because they call us friends?

3.  When you have a real friend, you don’t have to face trials alone. 

Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”  The tough times of life are made just a little easier when you have a friend.  One definition of “friend” states, “A friend is someone who is there when the good times aren’t.”

The load of life might crush us if there weren’t friends available to lend a supportive shoulder. 

While we were in Canada a couple of years ago, an event took place that dominated that nation’s headlines.

On the morning of August 11^th, 37-year-old Suzanne Killinger-Johnson, holding her six-month-old son, leaped from a subway platform in Toronto into the path of an oncoming train.  Her son died instantly, she was taken to a Toronto hospital.

As the weekend progressed, more and more of the story was revealed.  She had already been told to leave three other stations because of her strange behavior, stations to which she had driven in her Mercedes sports utility vehicle.  Then, it was revealed that Killinger-Johnson was a respected physician, a psychotherapist, in fact.  Although her family claims she was suffering from a severe form of post-partum depression, Toronto authorities say she will be charged with the death of her son.

Again and again, as the story unfolded, I asked myself some questions: Didn’t this woman who had spent so much of her life studying human nature have some source of help and encouragement to which she could turn?  Wasn’t there some group of friends who cared enough to see her through her dark hours?

Where would any of us be, in the dark times, if we didn’t have our God-given friends?

What should such friends look like?

The Character of a True Friend

The Bible gives several characteristics of true friends.  With these in mind we can evaluate our friendships.  That’s important because some friendships are destructive.  Remember Samson and the Prodigal of Jesus’ famous parable.  Each of these men had friends they would have been better off without.  With friends like theirs they needed friends—true friends.

Any “friendship” that leads you away from God, that leads you away from moral purity, or that causes you to be less than your best is destructive.

You can use the Biblical characteristics of true friends to evaluate your friendships and, at the same time, to improve your own ‘friend-quotient.’

How does the Bible describe a true friend.  The Bible talks more about friendship than you might imagine, Proverbs especially discusses the character of real friends.

1.     True friends are trustworthy. 
            Proverbs 11:13 may remind you of a hard discovery that someone you trusted with a secret wasn’t really worthy of that trust.  It says, “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” (ESV) 
            Confidentially is the hallmark of true friendship.  Maybe you remember that time when Lucy persuaded Charlie Brown to share his special dream with her.  She assured him that it would be their secret.
            So, Charlie explains that he had always dreamed of being able to run fast, to win every race, and to be known as “Flash” Brown.  Lucy immediately dashes off, calling to a nearby group of girls, “You’ve just got to hear this.”  The final picture shows the girls laughing out loud about “Flash” Brown as a crestfallen Charlie slips away.
            Each of us needs to know there is someone with whom we can share our fears and dreams, someone who will guard what we tell them.  We need to know that this person will never make what we have told them the fodder for break-room gossipfests. 
            Such a friend is a wonderful treasure.  Dinah Craik once said, “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person.”  Is there someone with whom you feel that safe?  Do people feel safe with you?

2.     True friends are faithful.
            Again, Proverbs reminds us of this quality of friendship:  “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17 (ESV) 
            Years ago I read this story of an event which supposedly took place in World War I.  Bullets were flying everywhere as a mortally wounded soldier lay on the battlefield, crying out for his friend.  The friend, in the relative safety of the trench, wanted to go to him.  At first, his commander ordered him to stay put, but the soldier was so persistent that the officer finally gave permission.
            So, the soldier crawled the several yards across the battlefield to his stricken friend.  Within a few minutes he started back to the trenches, leaving his dead friend behind.  Just before he reached his own trench, he was struck by gunfire.  He fell into the trench and his commander rushed to him and sarcastically said, “Well, was it worth it?”  The seriously wounded soldier responded, “Yes, the only thing he said to me was ‘I knew you would come.’”
            Not all friendship are tested on literal battlefields, but there are other kinds of battlefields.  They may be in the neighborhood, at school, at the workplace.  When your friend is wounded on that battlefield, it’s a good time to remember that “friend” has been defined as “one who comes in when the world goes out.”

3.     True friends are honest.
            Consider these words about friendship, written by one who had had ample opportunity to learn the lesson they convey. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend;  profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:6 ESV) 
            Like all leaders, Solomon had probably been surrounded by his share of flatterers and yes-men.  It probably took him a while to realize who were his true friends and who only wanted to promote themselves.  The difference was sometimes found in the willingness to tell him he was  wrong.
            We don’t need friends who say nothing as we pursue a path toward destruction.  That requires a mingling of courage and concern, but it is the way of true friends.

4.     True friends inspire us to be our best.
            We’ve already talked about one friend sharpening another.  It’s an important part of friendship. 

5.     True friends bring you closer to God.
            From the very beginnings of Israel’s history the influence of friends in spiritual matters was clearly understood.  Deuteronomy 13 contains this warning: “If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods that neither you nor your fathers have known, gods of the peoples around you, whether near or far, from one end of the land to the other), do not yield to him or listen to him…”
            But the writers of the Bible also understood how a good friend could influence a person toward a closer relationship with God.  There’s the friendship of Shadrach, Meshac, Abednego, and Daniel.  These Jewish young men were taken as captives from their homeland and placed in service in Babylon.  The pressure to surrender their moral and religious teachings was great, yet they withstood the temptation.  Temptations and trials are easier to face in the company of godly friends.
            The Gospels introduce us to Philip who was a follower of John the Baptist. When John declared Jesus to be the long-awaited Lamb of God, Philip became a follower of Jesus.   But Philip wasn’t content to follow Jesus alone.  The Apostle John tells the story:

  The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee. Finding Philip, he said to him, "Follow me."

 Philip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Bethsaida.  Philip found Nathanael and told him, "We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote--Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph."

            When friend introduces friend to Jesus, the foundation is laid for a friendship which will last throughout eternity.

Building a True Friendship

If you have a friendship like this, rejoice in it.  How can you build such a friendship?  How can you preserve such a friendship?  Once again the Bible guides us.  Keep these guidelines in mind.

1.  Recognize that friendship requires hard work.
            Samuel Johnson once said, “A man should keep his friendships in constant repair.”  Paul’s word to the Ephesians, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” may fit a variety of circumstances but it certainly must fit our friendships.  Anger, resentment, bitterness can destroy a friendship.
            So can neglect.  Too many of us have lost friends, not because of any quarrel or strife, but because of simple neglect.  We were too busy to maintain the health of the relationship.

2.  Respect the fact that friendships have times of ebb and flow,
            If neglect can destroy a friendship so, too, can an obsessive clinging which allows the friend no freedom or space. Proverbs 25:17 hints at this when it advises, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house--    too much of you, and he will hate you.”
            Relationships often have a natural ebb and flow.  That should be honored.

3.  Remember that healthy friendships demand sensitivity and consideration.
            Try to picture the friend described in this proverb,  “If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.”  (Proverbs 27:14)  Imagine someone standing on the sidewalk outside your home at the crack of dawn.  Now, imagine this person waking your neighbors by shouting your virtues.  What might seem complimentary becomes a source of embarrassment and frustration.
            Even when you have good intentions, rudeness and thoughtlessness can create a rift in a friendship.   So think before you act.

4.  Be prudent in making friendships.
            While we shouldn’t use cultural, educational, economic, or racial differences as reasons to avoid a friendship with any person, we should be prudent in deciding who we will allow to become close friends.

The principle is stated in Proverbs 13:20,  “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.”  Bad habits and character flaws can be contagious unless we are really on guard.  Once again, the Proverbs speaks to the situation:  “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.”  (PR 22:24-25)
            Of course, we don’t isolate a person simply because they have habits or character traits which don’t belong in the personality of a Christian.  But we also don’t let such a person become a key influence in our lives.
            5.  Stand ready to forgive and be reconciled.
            C. S. Lewis once said that forgiveness always sounds like a good idea until we have someone to forgive.  Forgiveness is always tough, but it may be toughest when we are asked to forgive a friend.  We expect hurts and slights from strangers but when they come from the hand of a friend, they are especially painful.  Yet, real friendships are rare;  we shouldn’t allow one to be destroyed because we are unwilling to forgive.

These aren’t magic formulas but these principles are rooted in the Bible and have proven themselves as essential to a healthy friendship.

Friends are gifts you give yourself.  They are gifts God wants you to have.  They are gifts you can have if your willing to do the work.  It’s worth the effort to have those faces which light up when you walk into a room.

Before I conclude there is one more Friendship I want to mention.

Friendship with God:  The Great Possibility

Abraham, the man called by God to be the father of the Jewish nation, was called “Friend of God.”  Jesus made a point of calling his closest disciples his friends.

In most world religions this level of intimacy with God is a rarity.  Yet, the Bible points to the great possibility of friendship with God.

Many commentators over the centuries believe Proverbs 18:24 is predicting the coming of Christ when is speaks of “a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

How can you and I become God’s friend? 

To begin with, we need to keep in mind that when the Bible speaks of friendship with God, it is not suggesting some kind of equality in the participants.  Instead, the focus in on intimacy and closeness in the relationship. 

Friendship with God is rooted in obedient faith.  James writes in his epistle,  “And the scripture was fulfilled that says, ‘Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,’ and he was called God's friend.”  Abraham being called God’s friend was linked to the obedient faith which took him from his homeland to seek the fulfillment of God’s promise. 

Jesus made it clear that obedient faith led to a special intimacy with him, an intimacy which led to greater spiritual knowledge and usefulness.  Listen to what he told his disciples the night before the crucifixion.

JN 15:9 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. [10] If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. [11] I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. [12] My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. [13] Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. [14] You are my friends if you do what I command. [15] I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. [16] You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

If you have a yearning for spiritual intimacy with God, a desire to be known as God’s friend, this is the way:  Obedient faith.  This obedient faith is seen as you trust him for salvation, confessing your need and accepting the life he offers.  This obedient faith is seen as you step out in service to him, relying on his power and not your own talents to make you fruitful.

God invites you to that friendship.